blank inside card

The convertible

We can all see the bald patch now.

The factory's closing

Management apologises for the noise. And the heat.

The fucks have left the building

Restock unlikely. Enjoy the new you.

The gym membership

Six weeks. We're all fucking counting.

The last one's moved out

Fucking finally.

The new haircut

Bold. We'll discuss it when it grows back.

The tattoo

Is it finished now, or did you stop mid-crisis?

There's no such thing as a midlife crisis

There is. And you're in it, you twat.

They asked you to train your replacement

And you did it. That's the worst part.

They fixed you

Structurally. That's all they could manage.

They said it wasn't personal

It's a bit personal from where you're standing.

They say it's better to give than receive

You've never tested that theory.

They say you've lost your better half

Load of bollocks.

They sent an email to all staff

You weren't on it.

They'll all say the place won't be the same without you

It will. Exactly the same. By Tuesday.

They'll tell you to stay positive

Tell them to fuck off.

They'll want to move back in

Say no, you soft bastard.

They've cut costs

You were the cost. Extraordinary way to put it.

They've moved out

So has four hundred quid a month.

They've sent you home to rest

By the look of you, you've fucking nailed it.

This year I got you nothing

Again. You little shit.

Three years of freedom

Ours, obviously.

We all chipped in for this card

That's why there's no gift.

We won't forget you

But you will. A lot. Because you're old.

We'll keep your room exactly as it is

We won't.

We'll miss you

Your mother will, anyway.

Welcome home

Now shut up about it.

You didn't lose a husband

You shed 14 stone of dead weight.

You don't like Christmas

You like two days off.

You gave them everything

They gave you a fortnight's notice and a lanyard bin.

You said you're reassessing everything

Start with the fucking garage.

You survived

Don't do that again.

You'll be fine

The smoke alarm won't.

You'll do fine

You always have. Now piss off.

You're alive

Bloody typical.

You're an adult now

Do your own fucking laundry.

You're fine now

Stop fucking milking it.

You're not old

Just nearer the end than the beginning. Lovely view, though.

You've been good this year

By your standards.

You've been let go

By people who should have been let go years ago.

You've been through it

And we've heard about it. Repeatedly.

You've bought a motorbike

Everyone knows why. Everyone.

You've bought a van to convert

It'll get finished. Probably.

You've served your sentence

Murderers get out sooner.

Your ovaries have handed in their notice

No handover. No forwarding address. Best of luck.

your present is in the post

It isn't.

Your replacement starts Monday

Younger, cheaper, and much better with computers.