What Not to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

Every one of these gets said with good intentions. That is why they keep getting said.

“You’re better off without them”

Possibly true. Definitely not your call to make yet, and if there is any chance of a reconciliation you have just made the next family Christmas extremely awkward.

It also skips past the part where they are grieving something. You can be better off and still devastated. Those are not opposites.

“You’re free!”

Delete this entirely if there are children.

Somebody who now sees their kids four days a fortnight does not feel free, and being told they are is one of the fastest ways to make them decide you do not understand what has happened.

“I never liked them anyway”

Sometimes exactly right. Frequently a disaster.

People say savage things about their own ex and then get oddly protective when somebody else does. Wait to be invited. If they open that door, walk through it enthusiastically. If they have not, you are insulting somebody they spent nine years with.

“At least there weren’t kids”

Another “at least”, another competition nobody entered. And for plenty of people the absence of children is itself part of the grief.

“What happened?”

Not a comfort. A request for information, from you, for you.

They will tell you when they want to. Until then the honest position is “I won’t pry”, and it is a much kinder sentence than it sounds.

The one that depends entirely on who left

“You did the right thing.”

To the person who ended it, that can be exactly what they needed. To the person who was left, it is a stranger congratulating their ex.

Check who left before you write anything. It is the single most important thing on this subject and almost nobody does it, because asking feels intrusive and guessing feels fine. Guess wrong and you will never find out, because they will not correct you.

Fifty-six lines that do work, sorted by what happened: what to say to someone going through a divorce.